


Pain

by kaelyngrey



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Gen, Letters, Reflection, Relationship(s), Self-Reflection, everyone else did too, screw you really, thank you, thanks for leaving us
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 11:04:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12933888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaelyngrey/pseuds/kaelyngrey
Summary: A letter Chen wrote to a man he never intends to see again.





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

>  This story is inspired by Evanescence's "Hello". Oneshot.

_"Playground school bell rings again."_

It has been four and a half years since our debut,  _Hyung_. We are doing well. But then...so are you it seems.

We had a comeback planned for Summer. The nine of us that are left. But Suho  _hyung_  hurt himself and...we just don't know. The doctors say he may never be able to dance again, and the rest of us agreed we would not continue without him. We cannot weather another loss. We have barely recovered from the last. It hasn't even been a year.

Chanyeolie blames our misfortunes on the loss of a family token. He said that's when all the heartache started, but now that I sit and think about it...the heartache started many years ago. Before we even started. The heartache comes from our trainee days before we were set to debut and...it is something we never did discuss. I feel regretful of that now.

* * *

_"Rain clouds come to play again."_

We worked too hard to get where we wanted to be, and we chalked the loneliness and pain up to our drive to realize our dreams but...we forgot that at the end of everything...we  **are**  human... _we feel_. Only recently have we opened up to each other about the things that drive us mad. Only now can we sit and see where everything went wrong.

You always wanted to be a star, but you were never happy with the circumstances. I know that being in Korea for so long without your family must have been hard, but Luhan and Yixing were right there with you in that loneliness and yet...you never opened up to them. You never told us what you were thinking, or how you felt, or when you were hurting, or even that your health was slowly failing you. As your brothers, we would have banded together behind you. We would have absorbed some of the load to ensure your health returned. It's like you did not trust us to be there for you. You kept your secrets to yourself, and in the end, you are the only one to blame for the fact that you were so discontent.

* * *

_"Has no one told you she's not breathing?"_

24th May, 2014, just days before our sold out concert series in Seoul, management told us you just...walked away. And we cried. We were betrayed. Tao-ssi broke down.

The thing that hurt the most, is that you didn't have the guts to say it to our faces. We found out from a reporter who asked us how we felt. We were blindsided. But we picked ourselves back up, and we went on with the show. We made our family stronger than ever, and we promised eachother we would be together until the end. And then Luhan  _hyung_  left.

Sehun took it the hardest, obviously. He didn't leave his room for days. But at least then we were prepared. It was something Luhan had spoken to us about. Sought counseling on. And we supported him because...isn't that what families do? We still talk from time to time but...he has his life and we have ours.

We were still okay. Kind of. Very shaken but...ten works better than eleven so...we trained harder, worked longer, and came back fiercer. And then Tao got hurt.

I would  _love_...to be able to support the decisions that he made. We all would...but...we can't.  **His**  departure shook us worst of all. THAT depature was the ultimate betrayal. He will  **never**  be forgiven. Not even Yixing will speak to him. And none of us will speak  _about_  him. It is almost taboo.

* * *

_"Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to."_

I'm not even sure why I write this letter to you. I doubt you'll ever read it. Maybe...I'm just writing it for myself. One more thing to lock away. I am the best at that you know. But I never let it destroy who I was. Who my  _family_  was. I never let that tear us apart like you did. And they say  **I**  am the selfish one. Hmm.

I wonder what the world would think if they had the chance to see who we really are. To see us bleeding and broken as we have been so many times before. Would they still love us the same? Would they call us weak? Think of us as frauds? It burdens me that I cannot say. It burdens me to have to keep so many secrets from our fans. They have stuck by us for better, and for worse. They have been here through the worst. They have made us  **what**  we are today. Only the ups and downs of the last four years have made us  **who**  we are. Sometimes I wish that I could go back and change it all. But then I think...I wouldn't want to change the people we are today. That kind of makes wishing for things impossible. Wishes like that don't ever come true.

* * *

_"Hello?"_

We passed eachother on the red carpet yesterday, and you didn't even glance our way. Have you forgotten where you came from?

I wanted to scream at you then, but Kyungsoo took my hand and looked me in the eye. I will not be as disgraceful as you. It is obvious now there is no honor left within you. I'm beginning to doubt that there was ever any in you at all. You didn't care for us. Any of us. Not even  _him_. And he cared  _so deeply_  for you.

We were just pawns in your game. You used us as stepping stones to fame, and when you had enough power behind you, you rocketed away and left us in the fallout. But I think we have the last laugh now. We have come back bigger and better than ever, and we didn't need lawsuits, or cutting words, or pity party speeches to get us where we are. We got here on talent alone. I'm pretty sure that's more than I can say about you. Even Luhan didn't resort to such nastiness as you. I hear he has fallen on difficult times lately. I wish he would reach out to his friends, but Sehun says they haven't talked in weeks. I hope he is okay.

* * *

_"If I smile and don't believe..."_

We put on a happy face for the public, but we are still very broken. In this time we have been given for Suho to heal, we have started solo projects, and some of us are suffering for it. Some of us are suffering for the nightmare that you started. Yixing  _hyung_  got his own studio in China, finally, and while we are all so proud of him, the public attacks him daily, voicing feelings of betrayal that  **our**  hearts do not entertain, saying he will be the next to leave. Yixing would never leave us. He has  **always**  kept his promises. He doesn't need the strain...it makes him unwell. But you do not seem to care.

We champion for our little lamb daily. A journalist did a video call with him for us for an interview we did the other day. I think that is the first time any of us have cried in public in a while. It is the first time all nine of us were together in four months. The separation has been difficult. It has torn at our heartstrings. Did it never do that to you?

* * *

_"Soon I know I'll wake from this dream."_

Suho  _hyung_  is slowly getting better, and we are altering our songs for our comeback. This time around we decided to present our slower songs first. This will be our ballads album. Minimal dancing you see. Baekhyunnie and I work day and night to create acoustic versions of our melodies so that our fearless, selfless leader may join us on stage. We will melt the hearts of our followers with our voices...not our moves. Hopefully they will say we have matured. Hopefully we will get the same amount of recognition as we have before. Even Kai is working on his singing more than his dances. We are proud of the progress he has made, and he is proud of himself for how far his vocals have come in the recent months.

We are truly one now. Fighting. The nine of us together carry the weight of each other, and in Suho's time of need, the remaining eight will carry him to victory. EXO will see many more years of glory. It doesn't matter what we do, or how we do it, as long as we are together. We have seen too much with one another to ever drift apart. We have celebrated too much, and forgiven too much. We are family. Saranghae.

* * *

_"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken."_

I try to smile and pretend that everything is okay again, but all I do is worry. I worry all the time.

" _Jongdae_ ," our brothers will say.

" _Why are you so sad_?"

I am not sad. I am scared. But I am working harder not to be. I am working to push away the horrid thoughts that plague my dreams. I am working to remind myself that no matter how far apart our family is, we will never be alone.  _We_  will never abandon one another. We will make sure everyone has the support and recognition they deserve.

I am learning in my heart that Jongdae will have a place in this world, even when Chen does not. EXO may grow old, and we may go our seperate ways, but Jongdae will always have a voice of his own, and it seems that others will still pay to listen to it. That is a comforting thought. I do not know what I would do if I could no longer make music. I cannot now remember a time when I wanted to do anything else. This has been my life for six years now. When you are as young as we, six years is a life time away.

I would not trade this life for all the world. It has brought me eight amazing brothers whom I will never forget, and three I wish that I still knew.

* * *

_"Hello?"_

Tao apologized to us the other day. Albeit it was not in person, it was still an apology, and it was broadcast for all the world to see. He even apologized to you. I think that counts as a step in the right direction to try and correct all the wrong that he did to us. Don't you?

I guess you still do not care. You do not mention our names, or the influence that we had. You do not thank us, when you receive your awards, for the years of back breaking work that we put in to help you get to where you are today. You thank yourself, a company that left you high and dry the first time you left us, and your so called fans who hate you more than they love you. I guess you thought we would forget that you had left us once before...failed to become a solo star, and came crawling back to us on your hands and knees, begging us for forgiveness. For acceptance. And we gave all that to you, welcomed you back with wide opened arms, just for you to betray us again a few months later, but for what?

* * *

_"I'm the lie living for you so you can hide."_

No one knows the truth behind the rumors of your departure. That is a secret we have all agreed to take with us to the grave. Let SM make that final call when the time is right, and we will allow you to save face and look like the innocent victim until then. We have practiced these smiles for years. We've gotten flawless at wearing them through the pain. It is almost second nature now.

* * *

_"Don't cry."_

This will be the first album we have released as nine. The first album we have released where all of us will record on one track. It's...a little overwhelming. Minseok was up all night sick with worry that our dream was finally coming to an end.

" _What will happen if they fans do not receive us well?_ " he cried.

All we could do was assure him that they would, and that even if they did not, we were still one. Still family.

* * *

_"Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping."_

Suho is better now, and we have each inserted ourselves into the world as talented individuals. Capable of more than sophisticated dance moves and pretty faces. Now is the time to celebrate.

2017 ended with a bang. It was the kind of ending we have all dreamed of for so long now. Our fans still receive us well, and 2017 was a year filled with love. We once again came back bigger and better than ever. We were able to showcase new talents. Share a side of ourselves our fans had never met. And they loved us for it. They rewarded us with record album sales, a sold out tour, and special awards of recognition.

We may not be sleeping, but each of us are finally confident in living our dream. The dream of family and friends; success and recognition as more than some pretty boy band; the rewards of all those years of labor. Suho now has a decade of this business under his belt. Just last year, that was a feat he never thought he would see. It makes all of us work just that little bit harder to see if he can make it to two.

* * *

_"Hello, I'm still here."_

My name is Kim Jong-dae. The people who make my life possible call me Chen. My friends and family call me Chen Chen when we are happy, or Jongdae when the day has turned sorrowful, or serious. I was born 21st September, 1992 in Daejeon, South Korea. I am 173cm tall, and on a good day I weigh in at 64kg. I have a mother, a father, one blood brother, and an extended family that is blessed in numbers. I wake up every day and preform to make my living, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I get to see the world, and meet new people, and everywhere I go, there is at least one person who knows who I am.

No matter how hard, or how long you ignore me, I will never go away. I'll still be right here, in the back of your mind, reminding you of all the ways you did us wrong. I'll be here to remind you how amazing your life could be, if only you had held out a few months longer. We might even be one big happy family still. But I guess I will never know. And you will never read this letter. I will pack it away in this box that I have prepared, and bury it in the garden. I will take my first steps towards a new life. I will show the world that EXO and it's members continue to grow. I will help redefine what an idol is. And when all is said and done, I will be sure to mention your name in my long list of people to thank. I will even make you first, because had you not selfishly abandoned those who cared, I would not be where I am today.

* * *

_"All that's left of yesterday."_

My name is Kim Jong-dae, and I would like to thank Wu Yifan, a man I once knew as Kris, someone I once fondly called Galaxy  _hyung_ , for everything he has given me, and all that he has taught me. He helped to make me the man I am today, and I owe much of my success to the sacrifices that he made.

_**fin** _


End file.
